Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
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As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …