Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
I am a gravy boat captain
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what