Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Olive Garden,

They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.

I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

*gets followed*

Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

[MURDER TRIAL]

JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?

MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

[1st date]

HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency

HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi