Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
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I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then