[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry