Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

Hey neighbor…

Hope you…

Don’t mind…

Me borrowing…

Your…

Trampoline…

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk