Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.
Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty