@ArfMeasures

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

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@Fart_Bringer

“U put on suntan lotion?”
“No”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”

@Goddamnit_Jason

BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

@sarawrencomedy

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

@Bredwh

I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.

@prufrockluvsong

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

@MarfSalvador

Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself

@mikeleffingwell

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

@CaniacMONK

When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.

So yeah….kids are stupid.