[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
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I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.