@MattTheBrand

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

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@peterjames48

“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk

@girl_a_whirl

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

@samalmightysam

– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?

– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.

@sarcasticmommy4

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

@WineMummy

Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.

Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.

@dysondoc

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

@bader_diedrich

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

@_NTFG_

COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”