[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
What?
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?