A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.