Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

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Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea


Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.


2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment


person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen


Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.


I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.


Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏


– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog



Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.