@Stellacopter

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

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@andlikelaura

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

@Cheeseboy22

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

@MikeDrucker

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

@PhilJamesson

person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!

me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen

@zgbetty

Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.

@shawn_spree

I paid 10.50 for a movie ticket to watch Tom Cruise die continuously for 2 hours. I would have paid a hundred dollars to watch that.

@RauschJohn1

Some lady at the gas station told me I was a giant prick, I smiled and said thanks….. I thought I was just average. 🍆😏

@thatcarlygirl

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

@JohnLyonTweets

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.