@walkerwalt

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

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@sageboggs

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

@PaperWash

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

@leathershirts

the iPhone 8 won’t even come with headphones you’ll have to imagine you’re listening to music

@Cryptoterra

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

@squirrel74wkgn

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

@TheWoodenslurpy

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

@DaddyJew

9: can I go play at TJ’s house?

Me: who?

9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times

Me: no idea

9: he lives 2 houses down

Me: not ringing a bell

9: they have a yellow dog

Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine

@deadstick_ron

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

@MartaEffing

[Puzzle Group Therapy]

Crossword: Just once, someone use a pen!
Sudoku: Nobody likes math.
Jigsaw: ..Then they glued me together! *sobs*