“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
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daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Nobody can negotiate like a 4 year old told he has 2 minutes til bed.
the iPhone 8 won’t even come with headphones you’ll have to imagine you’re listening to music
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
9: can I go play at TJ’s house?
9: TJ, you’ve met him like a thousand times
Me: no idea
9: he lives 2 houses down
Me: not ringing a bell
9: they have a yellow dog
Me: oh..Bark Whalberg’s house? Yea that’s fine
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[Puzzle Group Therapy]
Crossword: Just once, someone use a pen!
Sudoku: Nobody likes math.
Jigsaw: ..Then they glued me together! *sobs*