Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
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A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
me when i see my girls butt
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.