Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.

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I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.


[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?


Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*


Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack


Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??


tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead


I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.


Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?