Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Spotted in New Orleans.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned