@momowelch

Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.

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@semple42

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

@ojedge

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

@Gupton68

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

@Chhapiness

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

@So504real

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

@vladyhh

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

@1evilidiot

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

@wittwitbarista

Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?