I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.
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[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: I want McDonald’s
Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Mom: I want grandkids
Me: Do you have grandkids money??
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Yes my dude
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?