@TheThomason: Before handing your wallet and wife's necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
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@handsock_butts: Doctor: you look awful Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy! Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old told me she covered the house in "fairy dust" She better mean cocaine because if it's glitter somebody's going to be homeless
@JediGigi: Him:You married? Me:Aww You think I'm that pretty? H:Ma'am just filling out your pape- M:SO I'M UGLY? H:I'll tell the therapist to hurry