Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
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Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
CRYING
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Not today.. 😂
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!