@turtledumplin

Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say…

“I made coffee”

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@LuvPug

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

@audipenny

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

@TheMichaelRock

My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can’t remember to flush the toilet.

@ThugRaccoons

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

@goldengateblond

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

@_salt_n_lime

Anytime anyone says they want to see me topless I secretly hope they mean cut in half.

@geekmaude

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

@jazmasta

[Chumbawumba concert]
🎶 I get knocked down, but I get up again.. 🎶
[whack-a-mole just goin nuts in the crowd]
“Aw hell yeah!”

@RorynotRoy

Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.