Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.