@turtledumplin

Before he leaves for work, my husband whispers the 3 words I love to hear him say…

“I made coffee”

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@TomSchally

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

@Sean_Burgundy_

[ 3 AM ]

Friend: I got a flat and I’m stranded

Me: Do you have snacks in your car?

Friend: No

Me: *Hangs up

@hazelmotes1

My daughter doesn’t know I put the last pudding cup in her lunch earlier this evening, so she won’t know I took it out and am eating it now.

@TheCatWhisprer

If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.

@TechnicallyRon

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

@crushingbort

“Mr Bush, do you want my coke?”
“Yeah sure” *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away*
“Hey kid…catch”
*kid turns around to see incoming plane*

@VodkaThursday

What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.

@HomeWithPeanut

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

@KentWGraham

I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.