I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
You Might Also Like
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.