[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

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I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny


baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*


If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.


My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.


When your partner cheats on you, do what every respectable person does. Post their name and phone number on 4Chan.


*date leans in* Tell me something I don’t know about you.

*I lean in* I have a french fry in my pocket.


Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.


I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.