[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Not😆🤣
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
That lamp looks PISSED.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.