[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
Before I accept a new job I always ask where my statue will be erected.
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My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: …
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out
When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
A Couples Retweet