@six_2_and_even

Before I accept a new job I always ask where my statue will be erected.

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@fro_vo

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

@1Happytwit

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

@DevilryFun

My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.

@dance_blessed

The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.

@Eminem

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

@skele_tim

CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
ME: ok
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: …
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out

@Gooooats

When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve

@PaperWash

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

@oakhillbargrill

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet