@six_2_and_even

Before I accept a new job I always ask where my statue will be erected.

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@SortaBad

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

@Cpt_Burnout

Guy: “Do you have a lighter?”
Me: “Yep”
Guy: “You smoke?”
Me: “No, you just never know when you’re gonna need to light someone on fire.”

@maryfairybobrry

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

@KentWGraham

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

@haleysfalling

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

@OfficialMizGin

Guy in the club: *lifts up his shirt* I do 400 crunches a day.

Me: How many more until you get a personality?

@NicolaJSwinney

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

@LuvPug

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

@TheHatdog

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.