Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
#MeanwhileinCanada
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.