Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Breakfast for Stoners:
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.