Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
You Might Also Like
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”