@emmatheist

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

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@gorrdano

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

@batkaren

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

@heidi420x

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

@clindsaysway

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

@notalogin

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

@LnL245

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

@TheBoydP

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

@jergarl

8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?

Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.

8: What?

Me: Nothing.

8: I’m telling mom.

@pattymo

AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series