Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
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Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.