When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
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*puts baby powder in a crib*
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
G: But it shows every pee drip
8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?
Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.
8: I’m telling mom.
AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series