Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
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I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Driving back from funeral yesterday:
Stairway To Heaven
Tears In Heaven
Highway To Hell
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.