Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
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I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
“OMGJK” -atheists
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.