@bridger_w

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

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@upsidedowntrash

Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

@sixfootcandy

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

@GloriaFallon123

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

@Shock_Monster

Driving back from funeral yesterday:

Stairway To Heaven
*click*

Tears In Heaven
*click*

Highway To Hell
*click*

Macarena!
*leaves it*

@SerenityRising

“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders

@LeahTiscione

Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents

@Zach_Wallen

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

@tararose711

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.