Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
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A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill