Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
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Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
next level snooze
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Oh my god
Cha-ching is my safe word