My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
You Might Also Like
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Kentucky names the shit out of places
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.