Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
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If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
In banana years, I am bread.