Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*


As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.


Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…


I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.


In my dog’s mind he’s saving the world, one tree at a time.


The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”


If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.