Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
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Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.