Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
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Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)