Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
You Might Also Like
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.