Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Home is where your toilet is.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…