Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke