Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
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There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*