@WhaJoTalkinBout

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

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@KeetPotato

wife: “im sorry, he has to try everything before he buys it”
store owner: “it’s okay”
me: [lying in a coffin] “the first one was better”

@murrman5

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

@crunkdumpster

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

@hidingfromme

All the women moaning about finding a husband obviously never had one.

@Rollmaninoz

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

@TheHyyyype

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

@BoomBoomBetty

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

@CanadianBeave13

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.