Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
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What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she鈥檚 my biographer and not because she just wants food
4 years single just means I have a bachelor鈥檚 degree in being alone
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 馃檪
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they鈥檙e awake.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
gimma back my stick frost man… 馃槚鈽冿笍
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Guantanamo Bae
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
The man I married can land a fly on a trout鈥檚 snout.
The man I married says it鈥檚 not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn鈥檛 allow imprecise compliments.
Me: you say your dog鈥檚 a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.