Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
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waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park