Before I really understood sarcasm people would say things like “oh, well look who it is” and I’d be like “it’s me Karen, I’m your daughter”

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I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.


Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.


Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I’m saying to you.


BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard


I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.


hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u


St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”