If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
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I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.