@Intooblivion3

Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.

Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.

- @Intooblivion3

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@JoParkerBear

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

@KateWouldHaveIt

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

@markedly

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*

@DominicGraz

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

@Sarrah_Sloan

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

@hoops_Daddy

If it looks like a duck,
Sounds like a cat,
And walks like robot,
You took too many pain killers.

@tiemoose

date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?

me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy

date: are you lactose intolerant?

me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it

@chuuew

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

@TheHyyyype

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me