Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
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[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Think I pulled my liver
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol