Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Basketball games are very squeaky.