Me trying to reach for my goals
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends