@sophielou

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

- @sophielou

You Might Also Like

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

@bridger_w

If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy

@CodyJP9412

REPUBLICANS: I can’t believe Trump won.

DEMOCRATS: I can’t believe Hillary lost.

ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter!

@novicefather

[cuddling]
her: what are you thinking about?
me: these pretzels are making me thirsty

@kolchak

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

@Swoosh61

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

@Man_Ona_Ledge

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

@theshantilly

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

@chopper4jk

My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid’s these days…