Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
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[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is