Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
when someone compliments me
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.