*changes t shirts*
I’m not dying in an Eagles shirt
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
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If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Neighbor: I always see your kids outside but hardly ever see you out there.
Me: Oh, that’s because my doors lock from the inside.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
NPR is reporting terrorists are using twitter.
I call bullshit.
After logging on, most of us aren’t motivated enough to get dressed
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.