My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
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This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.
Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.
Me: Aren’t you adorable.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I’m sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead.
Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup.
this bitcoin scam is so stupid like how could you fall for that, when I wanna double my money I send it to Prince Abolaji, hes Nigerian royalty and I’ve sent him over $6000. He’s having some bank issues so he hasn’t been able to send me back $12000 but that’s a man you can trust
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles