Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

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DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot


The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed


My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me


Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*


Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes


*pulls away from kissing*

Does this mean no ticket or several tickets, officer?


Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids?
Me: When are you going to stop?


Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now


Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas