DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
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The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
My only goal when getting ready to go out in public is to make sure a teenager doesn’t take a discreet picture of my outfit and meme me
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*pulls away from kissing*
Does this mean no ticket or several tickets, officer?
“I don’t care,” I say, slowly developing an ulcer
Pregnant coworker with 3 children who always complains about money: When are YOU going to start having kids?
Me: When are you going to stop?
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas