@2questionable

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

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@man_spach

My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.

@dulcetry

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

@Amburglar_

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

@ValeeGrrl

My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is “cuz I’d get to sit down a lot” and I’ve never felt more related to him.

@thatUPSdude

Doc: Now don’t take these pain meds with alcohol.

Me: Aren’t you adorable.

@onnlystar

– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?

@MelissaJoy33

I’m sorry your husband of 50 yrs is dead.

Here is a casserole made with Campbells Soup.

~White people.

@bocxtop

this bitcoin scam is so stupid like how could you fall for that, when I wanna double my money I send it to Prince Abolaji, hes Nigerian royalty and I’ve sent him over $6000. He’s having some bank issues so he hasn’t been able to send me back $12000 but that’s a man you can trust

@Merman_Melville

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles