“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*breathes* – gets heartburn
*drinks some water* – gets heartburn
*has sex* – gets heartburn
*makes a joke* – gets heartburn
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong