@OneFunnyMummy

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!

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@not_thenanny

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

@Bob_Janke

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

@IanDouglasTerry

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

@ilovepie84

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

@daemonic3

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

@Aikiwomannc

Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?

Son: *looks puzzled* The what?

Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.

Son:

Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.

Son: Oh that.

@drayzze

*breathes* – gets heartburn

*drinks some water* – gets heartburn

*has sex* – gets heartburn

*makes a joke* – gets heartburn

@PleaseBeGneiss

Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection

Me: the light was green

Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad

@Pmerrily

I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong