Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
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*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?