Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
You Might Also Like
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Wait a minute…
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*