@dadthatwrites

Before kids: I’ll never lie to my children.

With kids: Eating candy after dark makes you poop spiders.

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@EndhooS

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

@NikatNiteNite

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

@fmanjoo

In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.

@Alfa_fox

New theory: It’s Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives.

@Rollinintheseat

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

@KrangTNelson

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

@QwertyJones3

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.