Before kids: I’ll never lie to my children.

With kids: Eating candy after dark makes you poop spiders.

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Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*


Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”


In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn’t hurt people and it’s not two spaces after a period.


New theory: It’s Raining Men and Let The Bodies Hit The Floor are both accounts of the same event but from wildly different perspectives.


[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”


PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*


Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.