@letmemomsplain

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

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@Ideal_Victoria

“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*

@HomeWithPeanut

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

@courosa

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

@FU_TangClan

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

@Megatronic13

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

@moose_chocolate

I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!

@skittle624

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

@Love_bug1016

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

@egg_dog

Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry

@BrucioMcCulloch

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”