Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

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“I can’t wait to nail you later”

*whispers to the new picture I just bought*


People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.


Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.


Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?


Torturer: just tell me what I need know


Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk


I routinely take 8 flights of stairs for no other reason than to avoid idle chit chat in the elevator.

See, hating people can be healthy!


Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.


It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.


Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry


I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”