Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
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3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.