Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
welcome back
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body